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They are the two most relatable and utterly contagious human afflictions: love and hatred. And passion is the the most ironic impetus behind both, which quite often causes these two emotions to be synonymous. It’s why we keep coming back to the ones that hurt us the most. Its criminals always return to the scene of the crime. Why the feeder rat runs over to sniff the snake.
I woke up outside and searched desperately in hopes that last night was a dream. But, scratches, bruises, bite marks…..These are all binding contracts that can not be refuted. I caught a glimpse of myself in an old dirty mirror and noticed my eyes resembled an old, worn photograph from the 1800s. The meloncholly it brought numbed me a little, just enough to go back to sleep for another hour or so. The animals sleep outside…..

She keeps me here because the thinks I’m good for her. As if i am the one that’s gonna save her, and that makes me the worst type of hero. The ones that lead you out to the fires under the guise of an innocent and loyal companion who doesn’t know better. I am the canine that destroys all her favorite things and she keeps letting sleep in her bed because I am warm at night. I am the wolf she mistakes for her shepard. And that alone must be enough because there’s nothing else. No comfort, No compassion. Just bent fences and torn dresses. Picked locks and talking our way out of handcuffs. Hours later, applying them myself.
Hours later talking myself into leaving.
Hours later waking up outside.
We are all the most terrible when we are alone. We are all the most unforgivable when the doors are locked. Ive seen it all and talked them into most of it. Because I’m terribly afraid to admit that love and hatred are the same thing. It’s why I choke her when I kiss her. Comfort is the warm room where the greatest obscenities occur. It’s the parasite in my chest and the dreams tearing me limb from limb at night. It’s why I refuse to take you home, because I still haven’t found one. It’s why i sleep outside with the other animals.

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    The garden is vivid and well kept. I’m not sure when he finds the time, but it’s wonderfully maintained.  We are sitting on the front porch of his humble,  one bedroom ‘house’ – if you could call it such a thing – I suppose it has some sort of diluted charm. The old man is ranting on about various things that bother him in a heavy, cigar-worn voice. My attention drifts back and forth between my adoration of the bright garden before me and my slight recoil at the sound of his raspy paranoias and the horrible contrast it had against the high-pitched klinking of empty beer bottles being kicked around between his feet.
    I find it fascinating that when I looked outwards, all I could see was remarkable colors that played so well with each other despite thier intensity.  Strange yellow bushes with purplish stripes sporadically placed. Bright green vines that twisted in and out of each other with bursts of pink blossoms intermittently placed. And yet, when I looked back towards the aging man, he was draped in filthy greys and dark browns that were stained with even worse colors.
     He sat with his head turned down and cocked slightly to one side,  pulling on the rusted hammer of an old war pistol.  I’m not sure where he got the damn thing from, but I know it’s hard for him to go without it. He hasnt stopped talking this entire time, but I found it hard to listen to him. Instead, he spoke downwards to an audience of empty brown bottles that surrouned him like small children around a campfire – and there was indeed an inferno within him. Dark brown bottles that fit perfectly with the bitter colors he subconsciously chose to contrast the bright garden before us.
    What a useless soldier. Its funny how things usually work out like this, I thought as I looked at the man scraping his dirty finger along the barrel of his small rifle in the same manner as one would brush a finger along the cheek of a lover. Its funny how the people that are most consumed with war are usually the worst at it. Just as the people most obsessed with sex are typically the worst at fucking. The individuals that feel they are constantly at war are most often pointing their barrels in the wrong direction. Commonly at themselves.

      “There’s a storm coming,  boy”
    
    The sky was a lovely blue and not a single cloud could be found,  but what he said wasn’t lost on me. I knew what he meant by it. It wasn’t the type of storm that quenches the gardens around us, it was the type of storm that can potentially drown a man such as this – a man so consumed with war and yet not a direct enemy in the world. Not a physical one, anyway.  A man who constantly surrounds himself with the barrel of one weapon or another. Rifle barrels and whiskey barrels. Each emptied one by one into the old man.
       “Put me in the garden when its over.”

      I nodded one last time and walked away through the bright, healthy flora.
      When you spend so much time in such a bleak environment, walking out into these brilliant hues becomes almost intolerable to the eye, and there is a very small part of you that begins to resent them in such a strange way.

      I layed on my sofa closest to the window and waited for the storm to arrive. Then i would get my signal. The thunder. The bullet. The noise wouldn’t raise an eyebrow, not in this part of Florida.  Red necks shoot at swine frequently. This particular swine intended to shoot himself. If all goes according to plan, the old man would burst into blossoms long before they came looking for him. Of course, a man that was virtually composed of dirt would naturally make the most fertile base for a flower bed.

        I finally heard the bullet travel its intended path at around 4:25am. Did god create bullets? Or did a creation of gods create bullets? What would be the difference? I realized this was a grossly oversimplified way of thinking, but it was the first thing that entered my mind the moment I distinctly heard the bullet enter the old man. As I made the careful trek back towards his pathetic home, I imagined myself as a bullet. I tried to imagine its lifespan. Darkness, then intense chaos. Millions of sounds and colors within a fraction of a second, and then darkness once again.
I found myself again standing at the back door of the old mans house at around 5am. I didn’t remember much of the walk, but I know it was well planned and as inconspicuous as possible. The houses around here are very far removed and spread apart from one other, so as long as I kept my senses alert and the noise to a minimum,  I need not worry of any coincidental onlookers.

         I pushed the sliding glass door aside and moved carefully into the back of the house. The light flickers a handful of times before dimly lighting the back room of his small home. For a while I stared deep into the light switch, focusing on nothing more than taking a few deep breaths.  I slowly slid my glasses off of my face and placed them on the wobbly, wooden table beside me while keeping my eyes fixed on the switch. My vision has always been unfavorable and I thought that given the grim circumstances,  this would be sort of beneficial. Each specific visual detail would only be used to prove myself later of this terrible scenario.  How did I even get involved in this? I thought to myself, not moving my eyes from my focal point. Without my glasses on, the dim light made everything begin to seem clouded and surreal. It gave the intense impression of being submerged deep under water. I imagined that instead of miles and miles of black sky above me, there was waves crashing into each other again and again, tormented by thick rain and thunder claps. Lost in this idea, I was convincing myself that the storm the old man mentioned had flooded the earth over leaving us in this putrid little sunken house down at the bottom of this new ocean. I sensed that the rest of the world must have been carried away safely to the surface and, still focusing on the dirty light switch, I could almost hear the muffled sound of lovers, family and friends from the surface far, far above me. 
    I slowly pulled my eyes away and turned to where I knew I’d find him. With my terrible vision, the vermillion color gave me the impression that it was not the remnants of the old man at all, but rather, a large rose bush in the corner of the room.  As I walked slowly towards it, my body struggling to cut through the heavy water (the intense pressure of miles and miles of water pushing on my entire body)  I could see the roses slowly swaying in the current. 
      I decided to focus on the task at hand. I didn’t have much more time to spare caught up in my little euphoria. For the next couple of hours,  I worked to fulfill my promise to him. I carefully placed his body on an old tarp that he, himself had laid out earlier and cleaned up the walls and floors around the chair he sat in. When the corner was cleaner than it had been in nearly a decade, I folded him up in the tarp and slowly made my way out the door to the now sunken garden out front. Dragging the heavy tarp while being submerged under an entire world full of water was no easy task. Twice I stopped to regain my breath and relax my muscles and for a quick moment I wondered if I would even be able to finish this, but a promise is a promise.
   Once I got out into the garden itself, things because much easier. It was as if the hundreds of bright colors from the flowers had leant me their vitality and warmth. I felt a new strength. It was if the garden was almost welcoming me and even helping me in some way that I couldn’t possibly explain. The overall energy of the small house was pathetic and desolate but out here there was life. There was energy. It was like the old man intentionally kept everything positive and alive in that garden and tended it with care, but kept all of the filth of a bleak world to himself.  On his clothes, his skin, his furniture. He regularly watered his flowers, yet he would bathe perhaps once a month – if that.
      The horizon behind the trees was starting to fade into a washed out blue color from the inevitable sunrise. I didn’t have much more time to spare, I was hurrying at this point but walking around under endless amounts of water was not making anything easy. I grabbed the shovel that was leaning against the side of the shed and pushed it into the ground with all my strength, but something strange happened when the shovel sliced into the garden floor….Tiny bubbles started to rise up from the ground. I threw the shovel into the dirt again and watched the hundreds of small bubbles turn in much larger, violent ones that signified that endless oceans above me were draining into this small pit I was digging. I began to stab the earth frantically with the end of the shovel, creating a massive cyclone that rose up to the heavens and dragged the liquid atmosphere around me down into the center of the earth, yet somehow not affecting me at all. I sat with my back against the shed and watched the leagues of murky fluid empty out. The last thing to be swallowed up into the earth was the tarp with the old man wrapped inside at almost the exact moment the top of the sun rose above the horizon line. I slowly stood and walked over to fill the hole. I was utterly exhausted and decided to go inside and lay down on the old mans sofa for a little before finally going home.
   
       I had a small dream as I layed there. I was trapped inside of a barrel being carried quickly down stream towards the very edge of the world, as if the earth was flat, leading out into a gigantic waterfall that emptied out into oblivion.  I yelled out for help and frantically dug my fingernails into the small cracks at the top of the barrel, trying desperately to pry open the top but it was no use.  I was rushing towards the end of the world.
   I was rushing towards the end of everything.
   My pounding heartbeat woke me up immediately and I sat upright and tried to calm myself down. I found my glasses and put them on and decided that I had enough. I wanted tomorrow more than anything.  I wanted anything at all instead of this very instant. I locked the door behind me and squinted in the sun as I walked out into the garden but I stopped suddenly when my eye caught sight of something. Something that hurt me and made me smile at the same time.  Something that utterly confused me, yet at the same time made me feel like everything will be ok….
   
      It was a small rose bush growing where the old man was now buried. Swaying softly as if it were dancing in an ocean current.

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Its so funny to me how we know exactly how to live our lives correctly and still we refuse. Sometimes I arrive home after certain nights and I laugh to myself.
Because in truth, we know exactly how to live properly and yet we want nothing of it. We know what our body and minds expect and prefer from us… To eat well and exercise. To not poison ourselves with intoxicants, to live cautiously, and to have discipline and dedication in love and hard work. We are aware that these practices are proven – and yet we want nothing of it. Because a long, healthy life is a travesty and that makes me howl with laughter at times. How comical I find it that the essence of life itself is a rebellion against it. That this is how one truly feels “alive” – by challenging his own world. His own common sense. His own existence.

We don’t want boring schedules worked in boring offices, boring sex in boring homes, boring food served at boring tables. We are drawn to wild nights and wild relationships for the very same reason that when we climb to the highest towers, we cant help but look down no matter how it turns out stomachs. We cannot help ourselves. We cannot shake the temptation. The excitement. Taking care of our own lives is not what makes us feel alive. We live life by dragging it by its very own chains behind us as we run, naked and relentless through the city streets.

Life is so predictably compared to a book over and over. They will pull you into thier offices and thier classrooms and confession booths and they will ask you, “if your life was a book, would anyone read it?” and you laugh because a perfect book is one that has never been touched – never been read – and the book of your life is dirty and its pages are bent and stained because the universe just cant seem to put it down.

In short – If an idealistic society is the bookshelf to which each of our stories belong, then let us be the ones who should never collect dust.

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People like me dont hold themselves upright. We curl in on ourselves like the edges of an old book left in an antique shop. I recognize the sound of dear old friends, and I can hear the sound of pretty young girls laughing and reciting poetry in the back yard of a friend’s house. I know what that sound is, I remember it, but all I do is tremble from behind the window. I look out across the dark yard and hear the most gentle voices. I imagine that I could sit outside and watch thier lips flash different shades of amber, gold, black and yellow and then to black again in the light of the fire pit, but i feel my heart pressing up against my upper chest and all I do is shiver. Perhaps I should call an ambulance.
There’s an overwhelming ferocity to life and I wish only to experience it from behind windows…. Windows of a friends house and windows of lonesome hotel rooms. I lean against the wall and I imagine looking out an old antique storefront on a brick avenue where my edges can curl in and give me some type of value. Give me anything at all.
I like to think that everyone feels this way, but there is this joyful lot that I watch running up and down the brick sidewalks. They are the type that ride in airplanes and visit thier family in the mountains each winter. I recognize the sound of those people from my shop window. They go on business trips and they don’t shiver like I do when they stay up late watching movies with pretty women.
I pull out my phone to check the time and realize that its glow makes it possible to catch my own reflection against the window pane. I’m starting to look more and more like my mother, which is beautiful but it doesn’t feel right because I know that having these similarities on my own face would be doing her a great disservice since, even though my years are much fewer than hers, the unbearable weariness of my life has taken its toll and would certainly accelerate her aging – and that I could not bare. It makes life much too heavy and I curl in on myself.

I suppose I am an antiquity with an aesthetic charm but not much else. An old book bought solely for a coffee table, only to be touched during a spring cleaning. The young girls would enter the shop on that brick avenue and notice me, but if they were ever to pick me off the shelf, all my bindings and glue would betray me and come loose and I would certainly fall apart into a useless pile of curled loose-leafs. They would laugh at my faded pages. I recognize the sound of that distinct laughter.  Its not like the laughter I hear from out in the yard around the fire pit. Its not a lightened laughter that lifts the spirits, its a laughter weighted with humiliation which presses down on my back and makes me curl inward. I can almost hear it now. God forbid women who laugh like this take old antique books like me home for thier shelves or thier coffe tables. I can not endure that type of laughter anymore. I much prefer the silence of my quiet old shop where I lay untouched.

I could start every conversation with women by first explaining how terrified I am, but my posture already does this for me. I stay up watching old foreign films with pretty women and I wonder if should call an ambulance. I don’t feel right and I cant stop trembling. 

I wish it was early morning because my shop on that brick avenue would be closed and that’s the only time that I feel brave – times when I know they can look in through the window with thier friends and whisper that I’m charming,  but they could never reach out and spill all of my blank, curled pages onto the dirty shop floor.

But women luckily dont take antiques such as me home any more. We have no purpose. You cant take ancient objects like me up to the mountains to visit your family each winter or stay up late with me watching foreign movies. There are no business trips or romantic getaways when you live your life as an outdated, soiled piece of literature in an old shop window that fate has written with no intention or purpose. No plot line and no heros or damsels to be rescued. Just a beginning and an end.
  Life like mine is pieced together so gently that if I even moved a muscle, each day of my entire life would fall apart onto the dirty shop floor to be trampled by the whole world as they walk by looking for a more valuable item to take home.  And then I watch from my window as they walk back down the the brick avenue towards better things.
Towards the mountains in the winter. Towards warm fires in an old friends back yard. Romantic getaways and business trips.
And I sit on a dusty shelf in the window and wait for morning when the shop closes its doors so I can finally feel brave.

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I knew she was alive and breathing all along. Theres been so many nights when the city dove into complete silence, and I could remember hearing the sound of her chest heaving. So charmingly distinguished from the terrible moan of a million other things that were lost to this sluggish, repetitive town. A place that’s certainly inept towards any type of sensitivity of the human spirit. Most of the year I’m susceptible to a certain diminishment of my vitality. But I knew she was there…  

She is Serendipity and I’ve leared to tell her apart from all other enertias – gravity pales in her comparison to her draw. Even her very likliness can lift the skies and force an entire ocean through the keyhole of my bedroom door.

I awake to pleasant shivers as she traces my cheekbone with the tip of her finger each morning. The way the sun from the window across the room silhouettes her body is more irresistible than any piece of lace she could possibly be draped in.

If only I could translate in succinct verse all of the things she’s showed me. The sophistication of a quiet winter evening sitting alone under the quivering leaves of an old oak. I collected a million different shades of blue and green from her eyes and I would use these fascinating hues to paint my own grayed world for weeks at a time.   I feel the air pass through our twisted limbs with complex softness. Like a crazed feline – too curious to just let each us be and yet much too empathetic to destroy us.  Slowly, her gentle breath on my shoulder begins to distinguish me apart from all the pitiful bodies lining trite American homes and interstates.

When we walk down rainy avenues, I hold her hand like a child holds onto a small balloon. My reaction to feeling that she was much lighter than air and if I should ever loosen my grip, she might drift away into the clouds above and her eyes would color the darkened atmosphere with those intricate blues and greens. So I took small pieces of string and began to sew small pieces of my own life to her, to keep from dancing away into the air – So that my world could retain these wonderful new tones. Past memories and dusty old literature from my bookshelf were sewn to her along with a few love letters written from foxhole of a uselessly romantic young man. Pieces of me strung to her soft skin, to keep her from dismantling in the wind like a dandelion. So that, should she ever get carried away, she would take me along for the ride.

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Never underestimate the phenomenal power of literature as a tool for malevolence.
There’s not many tactics more psychologically effective than reading someone else’s ideas, paranoias, or lies in your own voice.

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