Tag Archives: heartbreak

. Mange

They are the two most relatable and utterly contagious human afflictions: love and hatred. And passion is the the most ironic impetus behind both, which quite often causes these two emotions to be synonymous. It’s why we keep coming back to the ones that hurt us the most. Its criminals always return to the scene of the crime. Why the feeder rat runs over to sniff the snake.
I woke up outside and searched desperately in hopes that last night was a dream. But, scratches, bruises, bite marks…..These are all binding contracts that can not be refuted. I caught a glimpse of myself in an old dirty mirror and noticed my eyes resembled an old, worn photograph from the 1800s. The meloncholly it brought numbed me a little, just enough to go back to sleep for another hour or so. The animals sleep outside…..

She keeps me here because the thinks I’m good for her. As if I am the one that’s gonna save her, and that makes me the worst type of hero. The ones that lead you out to the fires under the guise of an innocent and loyal companion who doesn’t know better. I am the canine that destroys all her favorite things and she keeps letting sleep in her bed because I am warm at night. I am the wolf she mistakes for her shepard. And that alone must be enough because there’s nothing else. No comfort, No compassion. Just bent fences and torn dresses. Picked locks and talking our way out of handcuffs. Hours later, applying them myself.
Hours later talking myself into leaving.
Hours later waking up outside.
We are all the most terrible when we are alone. We are all the most unforgivable when the doors are locked. I’ve seen it all and talked them into most of it. Because I’m terribly afraid to admit that love and hatred are the same thing. It’s why I choke her when I kiss her. Comfort is the warm room where the greatest obscenities occur. It’s the parasite in my chest and the dreams tearing me limb from limb at night. It’s why I refuse to take you home, because I still haven’t found one. It’s why I sleep outside with the other animals.

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.Cassadega

When I was young, my father would take us to the dock overlooking the Gulf near our house and let us run around while he stared off into the dark blue. I never knew why until now. Looking out across the lake in Cassadega, I had this overwhelming urge to rattle the earth enough to make waves in the murky water. Thats what it was all about for him. Waves. Watching the ocean topple over itself in sheer chaos and then calmly withdraw itself exposing hundreds of feet of clear, smooth sand that it was hiding underneath for only a few seconds until the choas comes hurling itself towards the shore again. Theres nothing more important than that because thats how life works. It comes in waves.
    I learned from watching him stare off at the sea as a little boy that there are two types of men; ones who only see the water crash and break over itself while hurling towards the shoreline, and ones who only watch it cower in on itself and withdraw back from where it came.  Those who can do both must be something more than human. If you are stranded out there, floating at the top of the ocean, being pelted by waves, you don’t think about the bottom. You cant fathom that there is a blissful silence beneath you when you are so overwhelmed by the choas surrounding you at the top. What kind of a man can furiously tread water with the understanding that everything is OK because underneath is the most pleasant calm imaginable? That would be an ideal way to look at life, though seemingly impossible.
   I know that what I see, and what I need to learn to see are entirely different. But I have been learning to be grateful for the times when I notice the empty shore between waves. Even though its brief. The more you learn to pay attention, the longer it seemingly takes for the world to fill back up with dark water again. Thats how you start. Only seconds at a time, and then soon, it will take a minute or two. And thats just enough for a couple deep breaths of fresh air in order to make it just a little easier next time you go under. I have friends right now that are being pelted by tumultuous waves, but there will be a break again soon i assure you. Its corny but that’s how life works. You’ll be able to get a couple good breaths in. Goodnight.

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.Toy

The best of our days consisted of me watching her take drugs and staring off like she was a wolf that heard a small creature off in the distance. She waits to piece together it’s location for the hunt, but it never shows any promise. At times I feel like she could quit the chemicals if she wanted but it’s that promise of a good hunt she can’t seem to shake for the life of her. The problem here is that she will never realize that she is the one being hunted.
The sun pulls itself up over the horizon, back from the end of the world, and I hold onto her like a small child holds a kite. But the drugs were wild gusts of wind and on certain days, I felt as if I’d “accidentally” let go of her string. It grows tiresome and I am not such a small child anymore. I guess you could say that was my addiction: my inner child had passed long ago and following on her little “hunts” made me feel as if I was visiting it’s grave site. Filling her needles for her was as if I was giving it flowers and holding her hand while she nods off was like a little prayer uttered.

It’s crazy how my body and mind simply refuse to work together. Sometimes she repulsed me and I only loved her with my mind. Like the way she took the breath right out of my chest the day I saw her standing so awkwardly in the bookstore seeking out a novel she had been talking about for weeks. It was the strangest thing and I couldn’t fathom how her body could even naturally assemble like that. Her legs were crossed and she stood on her toes with her back arched and twisted. Her arms were straight in front of her but clasped inside out and tangled. Like an ancient statue with a million small pieces knocked out, barely holding itself together. Like any day now she would crumble into dust and thousands of years of history would dissolve into a pile of dust. How funny the mind works that I could fall so hopelessly for a mere stance.

Other days, I loved her with only my body and I felt nothing more. It would remain that way for weeks until I caught another glimpse of something that made me come to my senses. She was a helpless old toy and the memories of my youth threw her around as if I had never grown. She couldn’t stray very far.

But I made up my mind one night while we headed back over the bridge towards her place. The passenger seat was pushed back and she was curled into a little ball. She was so small I could barely keep my eyes on the road. How does something so lovely wander so far off and land here with me? I wasn’t even sure if she was still breathing, it had been a long night and she certainly pushed her limits. I couldn’t concentrate, I would look away from the road and stare at her sleeping until I felt the tires meet the grass, then I would correct the vehicle and stare at her some more until it happened again and I did this almost the entire way home. I wanted to keep her like that forever. I decided I would leave that night and never come back. I couldn’t imagine things ever getting better than that exact moment and I wanted to make sure that no matter where I went from then on, no matter who I was with, I would always have her sleeping so beautiful in my head and I could find peace.
I carried her into her apartment and placed her on the sofa. She didn’t move a single muscle until I started to walk away and her little awkward fingers grabbed at my pant leg without even opening her eyes. She was so weak that her hand just fell right off as I walked away. She was a helpless little toy and I had grown old and bored of it. I had realized tonight that the memories of things you once loved are much stronger than things you still have. Love is like a loud roar and people grow so used to it over the years that it eventually blends into the background. The same way people that live near great waterfalls no longer hear it. I carefully created a situation and a woman that I could hear loudly and love forever. This was the only thing that made sense.

People these days naturally put up walls to protect themselves. You can’t blame them, the world is a cold place and survival of the fittest has never been so prominent. But sometimes, its not the walls that you have to worry about. Sometimes they are placed there for your benefit. You could build a great mansion with all the walls me and her built from each other and the rest of the world. But all the items decaying in the crawlspaces behind her walls made this great palace uninhabitable.

I locked the door behind me and tossed the key to that great home down a sewage drain.

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