Monthly Archives: February 2016

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In my own self exploration, I noticed that sometimes there is a type of guerrilla warfare in the mind. Hidden feelings, Paradoxical emotions. They are the sniper fire of brain chemistry. Completely inconspicuous, waiting to strike when the target is most vulnerable.
Really the only effective defense against a sniper is the hide the target or make it hard to hit. The target, of course being me. The rest of me. Seclusion.
I guess what I’m trying to say here is that a persons enemies can say a lot about them. You can learn volumes by studying a persons foes. So in self exploration, the key would be to locate enemies of my mind. Maybe bad or undeveloped emotions and analyze them. Find the source and they should, in theory, disperse or become my ally.
The problem is, I’m not entirely sure where the enemy is sometimes.
and in the battle field of the mind, friendly fire can be devastating.

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Driving during the day fills me with anxiety and dread. During the night, however,  it comes with an intense calm. I enjoy these rides. I guess I sort of need them. Through rural back roads so pitch black that I can hardly see but 10 feet in front of me. It seems that I might as well be falling hopelessly through deep space. I can put a little more weight on my foot and hear the engine build and the small orange needle on the dashboard move up toward 60….70……80….but the surroundings are so endlessly black for hundreds of miles that I can hardly tell that I’m even moving. Theres something about that type of moment.  A hectic drive during the day doesnt offer this level of calming escape.
Where I can hardly even determine if I’m still on Earth

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.Barophobia

Barophobia.
A fear of gravity. A fear of all types of sudden plummet. All of which are equally terrifying:  Falling off a building,
Falling down stairs,
Falling in love,
Falling for malicious lies.
I am weighed by the tremendous vertigo of such things. So much so that I clench my fists til they ache as I walk around town – as if I’m holding onto something – as if I’m constantly awaiting a sudden drop. Like, if my foot slips and I fall into traffic, or if I get kissed by a pretty girl and I fall head over heels. 
Because each and every pit has a bottom. And I assure you that you won’t look or feel the same when you suddenly reach it as you did when you fell in.

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